living the questions

For as long as I can remember, I've always been asking questions, seeking answers, and searching for that elusive something that I can't even define. My innate curiosity and thirst for adventure has led me to believe that I was meant to live a life of wandering, learning, writing, and learning more. And I didn't want to belong, not to a place, a person, or anything else really, until I will find that which I have been searching for.

Or so I thought.

These past couple of months were the hardest for me. I felt like I was in a limbo, in that space between here and there. I was so done with L.A. and I was anxious to go somewhere else. At the same time, I had also begun to question if it was all worth it, all this wandering. Is it worth leaving friends, family, those people and places you hold dear? The days that I had spent home last summer were the happiest that I've been in a long time and it broke my heart that I had to say goodbye again, never knowing when I will come back. Is it worth all those goodbyes?

I really don't know. But I take comfort in the words of Rilke, when he said:

"Be patient towards all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves like locked rooms and like books that are written in a very foreign tongue. Do not seek the answers, which cannot be given to you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now."

Now as I go through yet another move, in a city that I've always loved, I am quitely taking my time. There's this side of me that wants to ask how long am I staying here, the same part that's wondering where am I going next, but I choose not to dwell on these questions. In fact, I was reading through one of my journals last night and I came across my list, those things that I wanted to do in the next ten or so years:

Get a research scholarship in London. Work for UNICEF. Learn a foreign language, preferably Spanish. Live in Tibet. Go on a pilgrimage to Santiago de Compostela.

Do I still want to do these things? Yes, no, maybe. Like I said, I will take my time. I will play, write, read, take lots of pictures, watch the sunset, get drunk, eat dessert, fall in love.

I will live the questions.


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