journal excerpt

San Anselmo, CA.

"Its funny how one teeny little thing, one seemingly random act, can change your day so completely. And all that carefully contructed balance that you thought you somehow achieved will come crashing down, just like that. Once again, you see yourself lost, anxious, waiting.

The waiting, perhaps, is the hardest of all. You start torturing yourself with if onlys, creating scenarios, changing outcomes. But in the end, you're back to where you started, back to the waiting.

This afternoon I decided that I needed a break from it all. So I walked. I walked without even knowing where I'm going, past quaint houses with dependable SUVs parked in their front yards, past young fathers teaching little girls how to ride their scooters, past streets named Meadowlark and Morning Side, past retirees reading newspapers in their porches. I willed myself to stop thinking, just concentrate on the walk and the rustle of autumn leaves beneath my feet. But even if I wanted to, I couldn't stop the questions. Or the mass of confusion that followed. How can this happen? Why now?

Sometimes, I wish we can arrange our lives in neat little rows, like those quaint houses and tree-lined streets that I passed in Meadowlark (or was it Morning Side?). No surprises, no messy consequences.

No queasy feeling in your stomach as you wait. And wait..."

Edited 11/27: Last weekend's mishap was eventually resolved and all is good now. This is another lesson learned.


  1. Ga, after you told me about your mishap sometime last week, I do sympathize with you. But one thing I want to impart to you is to be patient in your wait. Sometimes when we think we've gotten our ducks arranged in a row, God somehow scatters them and tells us, "this is not my plan for you, dear one ..." So, take heart my friend, God's ways are not our ways and rest assured, His ways are perfect. He has your best interest in mind.

  2. mayee, thanks for listening, as always. unsaon man lagi oi, mag-kiat ra man gud ko usahay!

    enjoy ur new adventures and keep blogging!