It must be the season. I'm feeling sort of down and unsettled yet again, missing the sun (although its unusually bright and sunny today but still freezing cold outside), and mulling over issues like where do I go (again?!) after the end of this school year, should I stay in the city or move somewhere in the Bay area suburbs, or really MOVE all the way down to San Diego where its nice and sunny all year long and I can finally learn how to swim and oh, maybe I'll run into a certain dork at Java Joe's (that is, if he still goes there) and tell him that his beautiful random musings has inspired me in a way that reading Proust or Foucault hasn't. Okay, Proust might be a bit too much of a comparison, for I haven't read more than 20 pages of Swann's Way, but still, you get my drift.
So, San Diego?
Even as I'm typing this, I know that moving all the way south is out of question, though a very tempting idea. Should my company have an opening at a school district there, this is still too much moving for me, even with my nomadic aspirations, I don't think I can handle that many changes in one year. And besides, I still love San Francisco right? Its funny because when I was in NYC, and my cousin's New Yorker friends asked me if I've fallen in love with the city yet, I felt hesitant to say yes, I thought for a split second that it would mean betraying my love for SF. But the truth is, I love both. Just don't ask me which one I love more.
And so I'm back at the crossroads. I never realized it would come this soon, wasn't it just yesterday when I was still wondering if I'll move to San Francisco? The thing about choices, or in my case, having too much of it, is that it pulls you and lures you in a thousand equally satisfying directions that the process of choosing is really as exhausting, if not more, as the act of moving itself. I knew that coming in to my job I would go through this at the end of each school year and I even told myself that I should just plan my life 11 months at a time (including summer school :P), which given my wanderlust seemed like a very good idea at that time, but I didn't count on it to be this confusing. Or maybe its just me, I love to confuse myself sometimes.
But then again, maybe its just the season. Come spring, maybe I'll feel more settled then.