land of my dreams

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"So what if you catch me,
where would we land?"

-- Remy Zero, Fair

It was one of those days when the sky, although overcast, was clear of fog and you can see the horizon in the distance. There were hardly any cars or people, so quiet that you can almost hear the ocean waves, or maybe it was the wind, I can't be too sure. We stopped by a ranch and I thought I must have scared the cows, or maybe it was the other way around, when I started running to take their photo. I had to suppress a giggle when one of them looked back, as if telling me to leave them alone.

Hard to believe that a year ago I drove along these winding roads by myself, the fog so thick I could barely see what's in front of me, my heart heavy with the thought of making a decision that may affect the lives of the people I love the most. After what seemed like hours of driving, I found myself in Stinson Beach, the sun shining so brightly it started hurting my eyes. It didn't seem fair to have a day so beautiful when I felt hopeless and conflicted inside.

Then I started writing a letter, one that I know I will never send, but it was comforting to know that I am writing it for someone, pouring out all my fears and worries on paper. Afterwards, I read the letter and knew that I had made a decision, and my heart didn't feel so tight anymore.

It seems as though there are places and seasons that mark important crossroads in our lives. And for me, it often has to do with summer and the sea. Nine years ago, on August 12th, I can clearly picture myself at the airport, saying goodbye to my family and trying not to panic at the thought of leaving my country and studying in a city where I hardly knew anyone. It was also in August, six years ago, with a shiny new car, barely a week-old driver's license and two good friends, I drove along Highway 5 to move to San Francisco. And in all this, there is always the sea. All those sunsets and solitary walks that I took to figure out what I really want.

I thought about all this today and knew with certainty that I am about to make another one of those important life decisions. The last couple of weeks, I've been going through all my stuff, sorting clothes, books, journals, many years worth of knick-knacks, and deciding which ones to keep and which ones to let go. It is a daunting task and one that I almost gave up on, then I had that problem with my right eye and I was forced to stay indoors and finish my project. I'm still not done but the hardest part is already over.

It's almost natural then, along with organizing my physical space, that I'm now starting to do some self-reflection. And to be honest, it scares the heck out of me. I'd rather forget about it all and spend the last days of my summer break reading a book, watching a movie, or taking pictures. But if there's one thing that I know about myself, its that I need to ask those difficult questions, write things down, watch the sea, and write some more when I am at the crossroads. I'm not sure where this will take me but at least it's a start.

// Quote from this song. Its an oldie but it holds a lot of summer memories and I love it so.
// Photos taken with a disposable camera, two weeks ago in Point Reyes.

6 comments:

  1. I'm up sick this morning, 5:41 AM...but when I saw those pictures of Pointe Reyes I smiled. That beach, the road to it, the drive through the fog, the stumbling path down to the ocean, is engraved in my mind even though I've only been there once. It was my happiest day.

    I wish you, in all your decisions, great happiness. Because even if we make the wrong decisions there is still happiness. And whether answers to the difficult questions we all need to ask about our lives and ourselves are terrible or terribly brilliant there is still happiness.

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    1. Thanks a lot, Elizabeth! Point Reyes is a very special place, isn't it? I'm glad you were able to go there and that it gave you a beautiful memory. You need to come and visit again soon. :)

      And feel better! xx

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  2. yes...i know just what you mean, about certain seasons and places that seem to work as recurring symbols or settings for certain types of scenes in our lives. yes. lovely post, friend.

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  3. those photos help me breathe this morning...

    asking the questions is the most most important bit, even more than finding answers.

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    1. monica, thank you. indeed, that's why i need to keep asking them.

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