land of my dreams, part 2

R1-05602-000A_0001

R1-05602-003A

R1-05602-002A

R1-05602-000A

R1-05602-009A

I know nothing
but what I've glimpsed in my most hopeful of daydreams.


-- Li-Young Lee, from Epistle


Last weekend, I spent three lovely days along the coast in Monterey, Carmel Valley, and Big Sur. Witnessed two beautiful souls seal their commitment to each other in one of the most touching weddings I've ever attended. And there's only gratitude, for this summer and the lessons it has taught me, for arriving here, these days and moments I keep close in my heart.

The first half of the year was really difficult and I barely came out of it unscathed. I wasn't sad or depressed, it was more of a realization that I was merely going through the motions and there's no real purpose or growth in my life. I was burnt out from work, feeling creatively unchallenged, and was constantly sleep-deprived. When I started having dizzy spells, both from exhaustion and lack of sleep, I knew that something needs to change.

Then came summer and all the introspection that I had alluded to in my previous posts. I needed to be honest with myself, ask those difficult questions, and slowly find my way to really live and fall in love with my life again. It was perhaps the hardest thing to do but I think having the inner resolve to do something (for the better) is more than half the battle.

One Sunday afternoon in mid-August, I was sitting on a bench by the water and staring at the city across the bay, classical music coming from my headphones, and I just knew what I needed to do. It's as if a dark fog was lifted and I called my mom, talked to her about the most mundane things, unaware that I already had tears in my eyes. Then I told her about my decision and plans for the next couple of months and she just listened. My mom didn't know it then but it was the first time I had talked about it to anyone. Later while I was driving back home, I felt such lightness that can only come from a place of honest truth.

And you know what else? I am writing again. Writing creatively, writing poetry. It's been so long since I've written anything close to a poem that when I finished one (revised and all), I wanted to start bursting into a song and dance number along the sidewalk. Of course I didn't do that but I may have squealed a little bit inside.

Lastly, I just want to say thank you for visiting and reading. Taking photos, writing my thoughts on books and movies, and sharing them with you in this little blog is one of my joys, especially in those dark and gloomy days. Much love and gratitude to you, my friends.

And happy first day of Autumn. I hope you enjoy the photos above, all taken in Big Sur with a disposable film camera.

// First part of this post is here.

12 comments:

  1. I'm so glad you've come to this point of clarity and lightness -- and well done for seeking it. I hope the next two semesters are more bearable, if only because there is an end (and beginning!) in sight. xo

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks, Holly. Fall semester is not too bad so far. :)

      Delete
  2. .....i think you are such a brave, truthful and honest person....i admire you for that...and you inspire me...

    i have sent you an e-mail about the swap that i hope you can answer soon sweet odessa : )

    love,
    v

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. thanks, dear vibeke.
      email done. :)

      Delete
  3. I'm so happy for you Odessa! Finding that moment of lightness must be so rewarding. I wish you a perfect, kind Autumn.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. thanks, camila. happy spring in your part of the world. though i reckon it's always beautiful and sunny there. :)

      Delete
  4. Gosh, those photos are very pretty.

    It seems that 2012 has started off badly for you and me both. I am glad you're writing again, I wish I could go back to it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Amelia, thank you. I'm sure you will go back to writing, it will come back when the time is right. Cheers! :)

      Delete
  5. Oh I know the feeling. I want to do so much with my life, and it often feels that the mundane reality of just surviving and going through the motions gets in the way. I am so happy to hear you're writing poetry, and I hope we get to read some more of it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hila, thank you. It's like coming home, writing poetry again.

      Delete
  6. Those pictures are breath takingly beautiful!

    Thank you for sharing (even the hard parts of) your life! It's great to hear that you are picking up the creative part of you again!

    Ganbatte kudasai!!

    xoxo!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Kit, arigatou gozaimashita! Thank you for stopping by. xx

      Delete