from sixteen to here

"Sometimes you’re 23 and standing in the kitchen of your house making breakfast and brewing coffee and listening to music that for some reason is really getting to your heart. You’re just standing there thinking about going to work and picking up your dry cleaning. And also more exciting things like books you’re reading and trips you plan on taking and relationships that are springing into existence. Or fading from your memory, which is far less exciting. And suddenly you just don’t feel at home in your skin or in your house and you just want home but “Mom’s” probably wouldn’t feel like home anymore either. There used to be the comfort of a number in your phone and ears that listened everyday and arms that were never for anyone else. But just to calm you down when you started feeling trapped in a five-minute period where nostalgia is too much and thoughts of this person you are feel foreign. When you realize that you’ll never be this young again but this is the first time you’ve ever been this old. When you can’t remember how you got from sixteen to here and all the same feel like sixteen is just as much of a stranger to you now. The song is over. The coffee’s done. You’re going to breathe in and out. You’re going to be fine in about five minutes." -- Kalyn RoseAnne, via Erica Lorraine Scheidt

This. The author expressed exactly how it feels to be in that moment, that "five-minute period" when you suddenly ask yourself, how did I get from sixteen to here?

All those years, they flash through your mind in a blur. Your first heartbreak, your first interview, or that one time when you felt so alone and you picked up the phone only to put it back down immediately because you're afraid your voice might start breaking. That night when you're 19 and you took a boat ride with your friends, singing songs in the dark, drinking cheap alcohol, falling in love with a boy who may not love you back.

Then you realize that all of it matters. All those bad decisions, missed opportunities, mistakes and procrastinations, they all help to get you here. You listen to the song again and smile because you know that everything is going to be okay.

This song, from a favorite band when I was 16 or 17, inspired this post.